August Book Review

Banana on cover of Tattoo a Banana

Today I went to the library. I never go into the library with a specific goal. I am like cicada to your porch light. I generally fly to the book with the brightest color. These bright colored books tend to have lines like "He snapped my bra like a Concord taking off, and I was unhooked for love". Since I am sober, I usually throw the book back on the shelf. I have never been drunk at a library, but if I was I imagine I would enjoy this kind of book. 

I attempt to clear my brain with other books. The Towson library does all of the dirty work for you by showcasing books other people like. If other people like them, they must be good. I classify myself as a person that would jump off of a bridge if everyone else did, so I grab a bunch of these.

I also head to the workout video section. The types of workouts I get depend on the amount of coffee I have drank that day.
one cup=yoga video
two cups=standard workout video
three cups=workout for people who are insane or angry video
four cups=killer boot camp that might make you have a heart attack video
five cups=killer boot camp that guarantees a heart attack video
six cups=didn't make it to library. having a heart attack somewhere.                                                
                                                              

I have opted out of the books on tape (BOT) section because I would listen to BOT in my car. I began paying more attention to the story, than traffic patterns such as red lights. I think BOT are more dangerous than drinking and driving.

Then I check out

Here are the results of my recent library conquest:

Tattoo a Banana by Phil Hansen-I once tattooed a banana on a slow day at work. It didn't look like the beautiful banana on the cover.  I wanted to figure out the authors secret.

Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut- I heard that reading Vonnegut would make me a hipster. As an aspiring hipster, I thought i'd give it a try.  I plan on reading this book on my back porch while I  chain smoke in non prescription glasses. Also I do enjoy breakfast. Maybe I will read this at breakfast. Would that be ironic? Probably not.

Ripe by Cheryl Sternman Rule-This book had a huge peach on the cover. I was hungry for peaches. After skimming at the red light on the ride home, I discovered that there weren't many peaches in this book. The light turned green and someone honked as I was reading about yams. I do love yams.

Jillian Micheals Buns of Steel-I have tried Jillian's buns of magnesium. Jillian did not do her research. Although magnesium is a strong light weight metal, it tarnishes slightly when exposed to air. My buns were tarnishing and getting everywhere. I had to wear long pants because of it. I then tried buns of titanium, which was somewhat successful. It took a while to get used to the loud clank I made everytime I had to sat down. I am told steel is rust resistant and has good weildibility so I will give it a try*

*I was misinformed. It is actually Killer Buns & Thighs. I think Buns of Steel was overused in the 80's so this takes it up a notch. Killer > Steel. I will let you know how it goes.

Everyday Flowers by Paula Pryke-. Nope, no sign of intelligent life in this bag of books.

A bunch of random CD's with pretty cover art. I know I am not a fan of Bassnectar for instance, but the   cover art was so compelling I went ahead and rented it out. I know you are not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but I don't think this applies to CD's. 

So this is my library conquest. Next time you see me I will have an elaborately decorated banana to show you. Bring some mace because my buns & thighs might try and kill you. We can go thrifting in our best flannels while listening to obscure music. It will be fun. 

Salting Slugs and Bieber Fever

This is me on picture day at age twelve before the operation. It was an awkward time in my life.

Apparently my roommate is disturbed by this picture as I have found it turned around on our mantel. I think I will do the polite thing and try to sell it. I will also do the impolite thing and use the money to paint something larger and more disturbing. Perhaps a picture of my eight year old self?

Displaying art and living with roommates is often challenging. Not everyone appreciates my taste, so I try and keep in mind that I am living in a shared space. But often times I forget....

For example, last Christmas I won a Justin Bieber calendar in a gift exchange. In a fit of excitement, I placed the pictures around the house: Bieber in the bookshelf. Bieber above the sink. Hey, Bieber is watching you pee!

My fantasies of  twelve year old boys hanging around my house were fulfilled until I went on vacation. When I  returned, the walls were bare. Apparently my roommates did not share in my fantasy. I then concluded that Bieber fever is not contagious and would have to limit Bieber to my bedroom.

In college, I lived with a medical major for quite some time. When she was not having a blinking contest with her textbook (she always won), she preferred to stare at a white wall. She claimed to have an allergy to bright colors. Epilepsy perhaps?  We both knew she just wasn't very fond of my art.

One day, I decided to paint a mural on a wall. I was so inspired in the moment that I did not do the respectful thing and ask her first. When she got home and saw the mural, she looked at me like I had just salted a slug that she had just announced was her Great Aunt Bertha reincarnated. (slugs=theme of the week)

If that doesn't make sense try this: She looked at me like I had killed a baby. This look was also the face she used to express joy, so I am not sure how she really felt, but I assumed the former. (just kidding. If you are reading, I will buy you a fancy cocktail next time I see you<3)

I was upset in the moment, but she did tolerate my sketches of naked-overweight-middle-age-men that graced our shared bedroom wall (from my anatomy drawing class in case you were wondering). This wall also housed pictures of cows from my gluttony project as well.

To me the pictures provided comic relief to a stressful course load, but experience has taught me that people don't always share in my humor. Maybe I should just stick to neutral subject matter. Maybe I should paint pictures of flowers. But then I think about Georgia O'Keeffee. She tried to remain neutral, but everyone just called her a pervert. Sometimes you can't win.

In conclusion, if I ever live on my own, I plan on doing a Justin Beiber-duck mural on my wall. It will be huge and take up the whole house. The fact that I am convinced every house I live in is haunted, every sound of the ice maker is a serial killer, and generally like having people around makes me pretty sure I will never live on my own. This mural will probably never exist.

Adventures in Grocery: Death to Sluggo

So the androgynous hippopotamus is back. Her herpes have cleared up, but she will remain a hippopotamus forever. In case it's not clear, that pink thing on her right ear is a bluetooth...

Here is another Adventures in Grocery. This is a message to all the people that love to hear themselves talk:

The Passive Aggressive Roommate Series

The "Do Your Fucking Dishes" sign is working quite nicely. Every time I get the urge to leave a dish in the sink, I see the painting and immediately feel guilty. The painting yells at me, "You made this bed, now sleep in it!" I want to make more signs for other tasks I tend to forget....like going to the bathroom in the toilet. Sometimes I forget where to go and accidently go on the carpet or in the fridge. I only go in the fridge when I can't even remember which room is the bathroom.

I am told this is a unique problem and I should probably seek professional help, so I made another sign that addresses an issue a lot of people have: remembering to flush the toilet.
            

Everybody Loves A Flush!

This is a great gift to give to a roommate that has trouble remembering to flush the toilet. It was meant to hang above a toilet in any bathroom. I even made it a soft yellow in case your roommate misses the toilet.

Although this is part of The Passive Aggressive Roommate Series, It is more passive than aggressive.  Your roommate will identify with the thrill of a royal flush which will cancel out any anger as a result of you calling him out.

I am selling the dishes and flushing painting together for a discounted price. If you buy them today I will even include a card. It reads: I don't know many things, but I do know that everybody loves a flush and you should do your fucking dishes. Also....hey it's your birthday! My lawyer advised that I include protective head covering in the package, so that is included as well.

CARPE DIEM!!!

Work seems to be getting in the way of my work cartoons. Just when I find the energy to draw about work, I have to go to work. In order to make myself feel better about work, I am no longer going to call it "work". It will be called "research". Yes, in a few minutes I will be off to do some "research" in the "lab". Regardless, I still have time to express how my day has gone so far:

The night before:

5 minutes after waking up:

Also I think I am going to start updating this thing Monday-Friday and take the weekends off. Saturday is for partying* and Sunday is God's day.

*playing online Tetris

Zebra Goes to the Zoo

To the naked eye this might look like a painting for the series "Paintings Your Mom Would Like", but I'm not really sure your mom would like it. Also, this painting is actually meant to expose something the FBI didn't want me to tell you. Your mom might not want to hear this.

In some parts of the world animals can go to jail. You'll see a lot of lions in jail for eating buffalo, snakes in jail for eating mice and bears for eating endangered salmon. Since zebras are herbivores, they can go to jail for things like eating grass on private land. Since they can't read the no trespassing signs, there are a lot of zebras in jail.

And where is this jail you ask? It's right in your back yard actually. It's called 'the zoo'. Yes, the animals you see in the zoo are the criminals. They are locked up, each with a different sentences. They'd never tell you that because they can't speak.

This painting is a depiction of a zebra wearing the traditional jail garb. Zebras generally prefer the horizontal black and white stripes because it blends with their fur. They all have a different story to tell, but they are unable to tell it.

So I made this painting to tell you the story. Any money made off of this painting will go towards bailing wild animals out of jail.

Cockroach Farming: A Fairytale

Above is one of my favorite pieces I completed as an undergrad. Here is the story of its creation:

In college I joined a cockroach farming club to make friends and ended up with a cockroach farm of my own in my apartment. Most people are pretty accepting of cockroach farms, but for some reason, my landlord was not. In an effort to fool him I disguised them as cats. Here is a  picture i have of our cockroach farm:

My college roommate (an avid cockroach farmer) thought a vase of fake flowers would  also counterbalance any evidence of a cockroach farm:

The flowers were insecure about being fake, so I let them tell people they were real. 

Unfortunately, cockroach farming was consuming most of my time. They needed fed, they needed to be let out and they always wanted to party:

After a wild night of partying with the with the cockroaches, I woke up one morning and realized I had completely forgot about my art homework due that day. My assignment was to make a pretty picture by scanning an object and combining it with a photograph on the computer.

I talked to the cockroaches for advice. They told me to use one of the flowers. Apparently, the flowers had been harassing them for weeks, but they were too afraid to tell me. They said the purple flower was the meanest of the bunch. I took him from the vase to be scanned:

Despite the flowers horrible attitude, he and his bunch scanned quite nicely:

I needed a photo to complete the project. Time was running out. Luckily one of the cockroaches had a picture of his childhood home. It was the place he grew up before the exterminators came and took him away from his family. He doesn't talk much about the incident and the photo was all he had:

At that moment I understood why I got into cockroach farming in the first place. Cockroaches are one of the most selfless yet misunderstood creatures on the planet. I was glad I could give a few the happy home.

Alas, I had no time to think. I quickly combined the photo and flower in photoshop, added a few effects, and scribbled over the image:

 the cockroaches were cheering me on the whole time:

 I finished the project with two seconds to go:

When I handed it in, the teacher loved it. I told her that I couldn't have done it without my cockroaches. We celebrated in style that night. The story of the selfless cockroaches reached the local news. Luckily the landlord was a big news junkie and saw the story. 

Now The cockroaches no longer have to pretend they are cats. I threw the fake flowers in the trash and they  are in a landfill far far away. Everyone lived happily ever after. THE END.

An Advertisement For Duct Tape

Lets say you accidently cut your girlfriend's cat's tail off while brushing him too hard. We've all been there.  Before your girlfriend has a chance to notice, you reach for the nearest scotch tape to attach it back on the body. Butttttt...it doesn't hold!

So you recklessly throw the tailless cat in the closet and suggest "Let's go to dinner Muffinblossom!"

After dining over lobster, oysters and a wine that costs more than your mortgage, you buy your lady six dozen roses and carry her to your car. Once you make it home, she finds the tail of the cat strategically placed on the coffee table. This is your chance to fess up.

"I accidently de-tailed Henry this morning," you say batting your eyelashes and trying to look pathetic. You are ready for anything.

However she is so distracted by the perfect evening that she doesn't even blink. "That's alright honey, Cats are like chameleons; Henry's tail will grow right back"

WHEW! Out of the dog cat house.

You see, it's all about delivery. If you deliver something negative in a positive way, people respond positively. If you fessed up to the de-tailing without the oysters and roses, you would be single right now. Life lesson of the day: expensive and lovely things cancel out a negative action. This is how a lot of repulsive people get married.

This is also why this note is not effective..... (you are about to view the word 'fucking'. I am so sorry if you find this offensive. I actually find that "fuck" is the perfect combination of vowels and consonants to express anger. Thomas Edison actually invented the word on his 52nd attempt at electricity and it stuck. Tom was a family man, so it's (fucking) okay!).......

A Simple post it and scotch tape will not do! (Double fail for scotch tape. Not gonna lie, I have been sponsored by Duct Tape to write this.) There simply is no flair. Where are the oysters? Where are the roses? You must mask the negativity somehow.

That is why this painting may work a little better:

The soft lemon undertones and the graceful butterfly counteract the "Fucking". It's like it's not even there. Such a distraction from such a time consuming and backbreaking chore. Luckily, this  is enough to make anyone want to do their dishes. 

My ultimate goal is a dirty dish free America and if we can get this painting in more kitchens across the nation, I think this will be possible!*

So what did we learn today? 1. Wooing your significant other with beautiful/expensive material things will get you out of trouble. 2. Delivering mean words in a nice way is a good way to communicate. This works orally as well. Start cursing people out in a southern accent to affectively get your point across. 3. DO YOUR FUCKING DISHES!

*I am Makenna Hardy and I approve this message.

My dirty dish free kitchen:

Beneath the Tutu

This is an abstract depiction of a ballerina with body odor. It was designed to remind ballerinas to wear deodorant.

An owner of a ballet shop approached me to do this painting. She noticed a consistent foul smell lingering in her small studio and wanted to tell her ballerinas that they smelled bad in a subtle and non threatening way. Ballerinas are delicate creatures and she didn't think telling them " Hey you smell repulsive" would end well.

This whole experience changed my perspective on ballet. Beneath the tutu and majestic dancing, there is just a stinky person who needs to wear deodorant. I also learned that ballerinas are highly at risk for forgetting to wear deodorant. Since ballet is not always seen as a sport, it's easy to forget that one is going to sweat.

After hanging the painting in her studio, the smell did not get any better. The owner then realized that she was the root of the problem. She was so caught up in other people's body odor, she forgot about her own. I suggested she try Certain Dry prescription strength anti-perspirant. She tried it and said there was less of a smell, but it was still there.

I then asked her how often she bathed. She told me that she didn't bathe for religious reasons. Many aspects of basic hygiene are forbidden in her religion, which explains why she was toothless. I suggested she try Christianity because it encourages bathing.

She read a few bible passages and decided to convert. She particularily identified with Jesus because he could walk on water. In fact, she had almost drowned two years ago attempting to do so.

I actually think she is going to church just to figure out how to walk on water. I don't think this is the right reason to go to church, but she is now taking daily baths so I won't knock it.

 She still keeps the painting in her studio as a reminder to herself to practice basic hygiene.

A Tribute To Anyone Working In Customer Service

God of YOLO

This is a screen print of my neighbors dog wearing my favorite fruit hat. Everyone should own a fruit hat. If you wake up feeling lackluster, just pop on your fruit hat and everything will get better.  Everyone loves fruit! Strangers will walk by and ask to eat your fruit. Your future soul mate could be just around the corner with a hankering for some grapes! See that homeless man on the corner? Toss him some fruit from your fruit hat! Need some potassium on the go? Well lucky you, you are wearing your fruit hat! Grab a banana! See that man robbing the bank? Throw apples at him from your fruit hat. It's really that simple.

Everyone loves fruit hats and everyone loves dogs. I also saw a movie that suggested that all dogs go to heaven. Therefore, It is only natural that I have decided that this is the God of my YOLO religion. Say your prayers to this guy.

I am posting twice today because I want to party* tomorrow

*play board games with my cousin after work.

let's get one thing straight: i am aware that my grammar. and' punctuation. is horrendous? if spell check were not, invented, spell check would also. be on that list,,,,,

Dont' worry; i have many Excuses for this.

but too bee honest...
Its pretty much; my fault.
i have done very little two challenge my Brain' upon graduating and my knowledge of the English language has diminished.

If my brain activity was a Cow', This is what it would look like:

Moooooooooooooooo!
I <3 homosexuals!
Please continue to eat at Chipotle! My life depends on it!

Posting' bad grammar, :on a blog is Like walking around with spinach in my teeth; please let Me know when i have spinach in my teeth! if you see bad grammar, tell me!

if a problem can be fixed constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. 

:until then i will refer to grade School english Textbooks and, this lovely website: 

http://theoatmeal.com/tag/grammar

Squids and Thanks: Part 2

Today I completed my goal. Here is my evil, but not phallic, squid-race-car-driver.: 

Here is the original sketch:

I would like to point out that the 'race car' looks like a collapsed weightlifter. The wheels are his weights, the white stripe is his head and the red part is his arms. If I ever need to draw a picture of a collapsed weightlifter, I will refer to this picture.